Being able to remember Mom

For awhile there I kept forgetting who my Mom was and it was making me really sad but the other day I thought of some of the moments I've had with Mom and just smiled. When I was young I would always stay up late on the couch so I could stay with Mom as long as possible. Usually, I fell  asleep on the couch and she brought me to bed. After all these years we are still doing that together, except she is the one falling asleep and I am (or my sisters are) taking her up to bed. Don't worry, we aren't slingy her over our shoulders and carrying her to her room. We wake her up and walk her to her bed and tuck her in. To be honest, she has stayed in Melanie's room a lot recently. She is more comfortable there and it helps to have a close eye on her (Her room is right next to Melanie's so either way she is always very close).

Play-by-play

 When I got home tonight Mother smiled at me again but didn't go for the hug. I sit on the couch opposite of her couch. It is definitely her couch; she likes sitting in the same spot and she usually only changes seats if Max is in hers or if she gets lost. She really doesn't get lost but she gets up and just kind of goes blank and switches seats. Sometimes she will go to the kitchen or look out the windows and then sit if a different seat. After a a little bit she usually returns to her seat. Well, anyway, back to the rest of the story. This is a play-by-play of about 15 minutes of interaction with Mother.

I said, "Hey Mom, hows it going?" and she said, "I was crying today because of all the people. Now, she is talking about something being horrible and the girls being okay. I have no idea what she is talking about. It's hard to distringuish between mumbles and half words, and actual events and imagined events.She was quiet for exactly 3 minutes and said. "I was crying today...." 2 minutes later she is now concerned about the baby (the kitten) and she meowed twice and asked Max if he knew where she was. 1 minute later she said, "I want to be dead. When am I going to be going? 3 minutes later she is asking about a pink piece of paper that she saw. 2 minutes later she  meowed twice and said, "I don't Max, where are they?"

Melanie brought the cat in for her so right now she is content watching the Phillies. She loves the Phillies. She does also continue to periodically meow at the kitten.

My babies..

My babies, hmm..., can you guess who Mother is talking about? This time it was her grandbabies Julia and Lily. Things are getting worse obviously and Mother has been having a lot more episodes, well to be honest the episodes aren't really episodes anymore; they are just Mother. The episodes are the good moments. Just a little change in perspective. I used to dread the episodes but now that I think of the episodes as a her good moments, I look forward to her episodes.

Mother was up really early this morning and being a little anxious and unsettled so I gave her some special coffee (she refuses to take her medicine anymore so we have to crush the pills up and stick them  different things like her snacks). She was drinking her coffee and looking outside to make sure the girls outside were okay so I ran upstairs to get ready for work. All of the sudden I hear Mother say, "awwwwwww, when did this happen?" and I said, "what?" and went down to check on her and she was looking and pointing to the picture Melanie hung up of Erik, Nancy, Julia, and Lily. I told her that I got them yesterday and she smiled  and just said "my babies" 

‎"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a

person with a certain set of attitudes."

Hugh Downs 

I finally got what I wanted!

 Mother has obviously been getting worse as time goes on. Some people like ignore what dementia really is...it doesn't get better. The other day I went to go get Mother from her spare bedroom so we could have brunch and as I turned the corner she was there walking towards me. I was so excited that I exclaimed, "Mother, I was just coming for you" and the most amazing thing happened; Mother opened up her arms for a hug and smiled. I thought I was going to knock her over I was so excited for this hug. Melanie had just returned from the grocery store with her hands full and wanted me to open the door for her but all I could think was back up, bitch, I'm getting a hug, haha. I did let her in and did get my hug, too. Days later I still keep thinking of that hug and her smiling face!

3 am fun!

Not sure why but when 3 am rolls around Mother sure does like coming out. Recently, she likes waking up and looking around. When this happens we tell her it's ok and to go back to bed but that is not enough, sometimes. When this time rolls around we know that nonsense is going to come out. Sometimes it's that she wants her Mom (who is still alive), or she wants to go home (to heaven) or a combination of both when she wants to go home with her Mother. Whenever she does mention her Father she likes to remind us that he is in fact dead. Of course we know he is dead because he died before I was even born. I've be accustomed to dealing with Mother's rants but sometimes when she asks for her Mother I just want to say, "I know, I want my Mother too." We are simultaneously grieving but please let me have a moment to breathe and realize that I need to continue without my Mother. So what if she's not at my wedding, so what if she doesn't meet my kids....she will live forever in who I am and what she has taught me.

Women bear the burden of Alzheimer's

Here's an interesting article that I found today which is a good follow-up to The Shiver Report. They are both interesting reads. To be honest, I wasn't surprised with the findings but it just confirmed what I had originally thought. I've know so many great women that have done great things for their loved ones with the disease or similar diseases. It's the disease that's the burden and not my Mother. I am happy to be able to provide her with a happy, safe, environment with her family.

"Women are fully two-thirds of the people with Alzheimer’s.  They are also 60 percent of the unpaid caregivers of loved ones who have it.  In every way, Alzheimer’s is a mind-blowing disease -- not just for the people who get it, but for everyone around them. "

I am so thankful for my sister, Melanie, who takes care of my Mother all the time. It is her job. Kendra and I help out as much as we can while working and going to school but Melanie really deals with a lot and does it without too much complaining. Sometimes being around dementia so much you think you're actually going crazy too! This isn't the life that we imagined living but we're making the best of it both for us and for Mother.

Mother is Mother. Each day brings something new. The other day we were talking about sambuca and my Mom said, "My father drank that; I don't remember him". It was very interesting for her to remember that he liked that drink and that she didn't remember much of him. He died when she was in her late 20s so it has been a long time for her. Is this foreshadowing my future? Possibly.

The weather is so hot right now because we are in a heat wave and Mother sure does enjoy it...NOT. I was outside with Trisha when I heard this banging and I look over to see Mother banging on the window frantically. I go inside and she was freaking out about the people and not knowing where anyone was, which, of course, is completely normal. Melanie and Kendra were upstairs so I brought Mother out in the shade and we hung out. I tried to get her to go through the sprinkler but she just kept saying "not yet" but she stayed outside for awhile keeping a diligent eye on all of her babies (the 2 cats and the dog). I had to give her a play by play every couple of minutes. I literally said, " Don't worry about him; He's going to the bathroom."

After we came inside Mother was a bit tired from her medicine so she napped on the couch. She strangely was napping with her arms wide open like she was waiting for a hug. She tried to deny her napping and would randomly say some nonsense but we just told her not to worry. She still is saying it's cold out when she means its hot out.

Here, I can do it!

Today we went and played outside and Mother sat on the porch with Max and watched us. She wasn't really fond of being outside until our neighbor came over with his 1.5 yr old son. You know Mother loves babies and kids. She waved at him from the porch and after awhile we got her to come over and hang out. She was making faces at him and she really enjoyed being outside. We were playing with tennis balls and running around, well, we all know Mother wasn't doing any running! She is slower than slowskys. Melanie and I were throwing the ball when I turned to Mom and asked her if she wanted to play. I sort of said it jokingly but yet sort of serious because it would get her more involved with playing with everyone so when she exclaimed, "Here, I can do it!" and put her hands up I was a bit surprised. She did pretty well and she loved every bit of it. We tried to get her to throw overhand but she wouldn't. She threw with her right hand but she is left-handed. We asked her if normally did that later during the night and she said she did. Who knows? I definitely need a more reliable source than her though. It's unbelievable how well she did.