I was looking around the house for some of Mother's things and found some pictures of her. It definitely was hard looking though them and seeing life in her, real life.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
To know or to know
I've met some great people along this journey and one of them is Kim. It all started when I made a joke about dementia and she was highly offended because of her Dad suffering from the disease. She did not know that my Mother is suffering from the disease too. FYI: it's most definitely okay for us to make jokes about the disease but when someone else makes a joke it can hurt more than one would think. For someone else to make a joke hurts because they do not actually know the physical and emotional pain that is felt because of the disease. We, in a way, deserve to make these jokes.
Kim had sent me an email about dementia behaviors and talked about one question people tend to ask, "Does he/she know you?" What a multi-dimensional question that is. Yes, my Mother knows who I am, in a way. She calls everyone Meredith sure but she in her ways knows who I am. Does she know that when I had a hard time sleeping I would lay at the side of her bed and we held hands? No, not at all. I still tell her everyday that I love her even though she doesn't always respond. Growing up I would say, "Love you to the moon" and she would say, "and back again." I still say it but I say both parts. Even if it's my own imagination I feel like something in her twinkles a little bit when I say it.
I am constantly battling with my emotions. Some days I think I am ready to take on anything this disease brings my way and then there are some days where the smallest things seems to tear me apart. Mother started calling Kendra "Mom" the one day and I seemed to be okay with it and even made a joke about it but when she called me Mom I thought that I was going to cry hysterically. Making it through that moment wasn't easy but the next week when Mother introduced me to some of her softball 'friends' as her sister I just had to smile and walk away. She can't help it. At least she knows I am family and that she loves me, right?
To know cannot be simply defined; the dictionary even has several definitions for it so when someone asks me if my Mom knows me my mind races thinking of the different meanings of knowing and believe that on the surface level she knows me but as my Mother we have lost that intimate knowing years ago.
Kim had sent me an email about dementia behaviors and talked about one question people tend to ask, "Does he/she know you?" What a multi-dimensional question that is. Yes, my Mother knows who I am, in a way. She calls everyone Meredith sure but she in her ways knows who I am. Does she know that when I had a hard time sleeping I would lay at the side of her bed and we held hands? No, not at all. I still tell her everyday that I love her even though she doesn't always respond. Growing up I would say, "Love you to the moon" and she would say, "and back again." I still say it but I say both parts. Even if it's my own imagination I feel like something in her twinkles a little bit when I say it.
I am constantly battling with my emotions. Some days I think I am ready to take on anything this disease brings my way and then there are some days where the smallest things seems to tear me apart. Mother started calling Kendra "Mom" the one day and I seemed to be okay with it and even made a joke about it but when she called me Mom I thought that I was going to cry hysterically. Making it through that moment wasn't easy but the next week when Mother introduced me to some of her softball 'friends' as her sister I just had to smile and walk away. She can't help it. At least she knows I am family and that she loves me, right?
To know cannot be simply defined; the dictionary even has several definitions for it so when someone asks me if my Mom knows me my mind races thinking of the different meanings of knowing and believe that on the surface level she knows me but as my Mother we have lost that intimate knowing years ago.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Once again I went on a little break from blogging....seems to be a little routine I go through. It definitely ties in with coping with the disease. Some days its easy to write about it and others not so much. Sometimes I think about what I am comfortable sharing and what maybe I shouldn't. And yes, there are some days I just want to cry and write very explicit things about how much I hate this disease but I try and take deep breaths to work through it (so, maybe the deep breaths can lasts for days, weeks, months...).
It was so much easier coping in the first years because the progression was so much slower and the changes weren't so dramatic. Now, it feels as if each day brings a new saddening decreased function/ability. The speed of the disease is becoming more and more rapid or it at least feels that way. The good moments still exist in their own little ways. Yesterday I was sitting in the car and Mother kept trying to go into Kendra's car even though she was supposed to come into my car. I called for her and started to get up when she finally started walking toward me. Moments later Mother was trying to sit on top of me in the driver's seat. It was actually quite comical because I could see her thinking like ahhh, wait, this isn't right. I gently reminded her that she had to go on the other side and everything seemed to easily click for her. There are those times where it doesn't click for her and she gets agitated. They can be quite interesting. In case you were wondering what Mother has been upto here's a picture.
It was so much easier coping in the first years because the progression was so much slower and the changes weren't so dramatic. Now, it feels as if each day brings a new saddening decreased function/ability. The speed of the disease is becoming more and more rapid or it at least feels that way. The good moments still exist in their own little ways. Yesterday I was sitting in the car and Mother kept trying to go into Kendra's car even though she was supposed to come into my car. I called for her and started to get up when she finally started walking toward me. Moments later Mother was trying to sit on top of me in the driver's seat. It was actually quite comical because I could see her thinking like ahhh, wait, this isn't right. I gently reminded her that she had to go on the other side and everything seemed to easily click for her. There are those times where it doesn't click for her and she gets agitated. They can be quite interesting. In case you were wondering what Mother has been upto here's a picture.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Another Trip to the Develin/Benson Condo....
I forgot to blog the other day about our fun times with mother when she comes to our condo! Mother is usually either excited to come to our condo or she hates it and gives the girls a hard time. Recently we had mother come over on a Saturday and stay with us. She was excited to come hang out and told us she loved it there! I knew we would have a good night!
I had some of my family coming in for the Eagles game the next day so I wanted to make sure I had any cleaning/cooking done before mother came on Saturday night so we could hang out all night. I think the last time mother came over I was running around doing laundry and cleaning and straightening up she did not like it. I think it made her uncomfortable seeing me run all over and could not help.
This time was different as soon as mother arrived we walked her in to sit on the couch. I told her I missed her and asked how she was was, which is always "I am good" or "Okay". I had my computer open and there was a picture of my nieces and nephew. My sister had triplets in June so usually mother will ask how the "babies" are. Now it gets confusing because I don't know if she is referring to my sisters kids, Erik and Nancy's kids or the dog and cat. I knew though seeing the picture sparked the question about my sisters kids. I told her they were doing well and told her different things they were doing and showed her some more photos. At one point she leaned over me and said "Goochie Goochie Goo" and pointed to rub their faces on the computer screen. Josh was in the kitchen and looked at me with a look like "Did that just happen". I looked at mother and she leaned back and told me they were cute in her way.
I then like to ask mother whats going on in her life. I usually ask how the dog is doing and the cat. She loves talking about them and telling me they are crazy and best friends. She tells me how she holds the cat and pets it. After all these 2 are also her babies.
We then were watching TV just hanging out and mother just starts mumbling and laughing... about what I have no idea so I asked her and still to this day I have no clue.... I figured whatever she is happy and having fun....
I think it was sometime around 9:30pm when mother looked at me and said "Are we going to bed" I laughed and said "Bed? Its Saturday night" hahah.... she then laughed too.... moments later she asked again. I figured okay she is tired so I went and got a shower and Josh laid her down on the couch and tucked her in.
Josh being the gamer he is went back to playing his video games and let mother lay on the couch and watch TV. She seemed content. I came out and joined her on the couch and we just continued to watch TV/Movies. I finally got tired and decided to go to bed. Josh said he was going to stay and sleep with mother on the couch I said okay and off to bed I went.
I woke up the next morning to Josh and mother up at like 7am or 8am... I was like what the hell... hahah.... way to early for me! I guess Josh was up till 4am playing video games while mother watched TV.... I wonder is mother even went to bed with all that commotion going on.
Josh dropped mother back off at the ATG house in the morning and came home... we heard from the girls that afternoon and they said "what did you do to mother? She has been sleeping all day. She barely gets up for food."
I knew right then and there that mother must have been up all night with the TV going, Josh yelling at his video game all night and then the heavy snoring Josh does after he drinks/games for 8 hours..... poor mother.....
I had some of my family coming in for the Eagles game the next day so I wanted to make sure I had any cleaning/cooking done before mother came on Saturday night so we could hang out all night. I think the last time mother came over I was running around doing laundry and cleaning and straightening up she did not like it. I think it made her uncomfortable seeing me run all over and could not help.
This time was different as soon as mother arrived we walked her in to sit on the couch. I told her I missed her and asked how she was was, which is always "I am good" or "Okay". I had my computer open and there was a picture of my nieces and nephew. My sister had triplets in June so usually mother will ask how the "babies" are. Now it gets confusing because I don't know if she is referring to my sisters kids, Erik and Nancy's kids or the dog and cat. I knew though seeing the picture sparked the question about my sisters kids. I told her they were doing well and told her different things they were doing and showed her some more photos. At one point she leaned over me and said "Goochie Goochie Goo" and pointed to rub their faces on the computer screen. Josh was in the kitchen and looked at me with a look like "Did that just happen". I looked at mother and she leaned back and told me they were cute in her way.
I then like to ask mother whats going on in her life. I usually ask how the dog is doing and the cat. She loves talking about them and telling me they are crazy and best friends. She tells me how she holds the cat and pets it. After all these 2 are also her babies.
We then were watching TV just hanging out and mother just starts mumbling and laughing... about what I have no idea so I asked her and still to this day I have no clue.... I figured whatever she is happy and having fun....
I think it was sometime around 9:30pm when mother looked at me and said "Are we going to bed" I laughed and said "Bed? Its Saturday night" hahah.... she then laughed too.... moments later she asked again. I figured okay she is tired so I went and got a shower and Josh laid her down on the couch and tucked her in.
Josh being the gamer he is went back to playing his video games and let mother lay on the couch and watch TV. She seemed content. I came out and joined her on the couch and we just continued to watch TV/Movies. I finally got tired and decided to go to bed. Josh said he was going to stay and sleep with mother on the couch I said okay and off to bed I went.
I woke up the next morning to Josh and mother up at like 7am or 8am... I was like what the hell... hahah.... way to early for me! I guess Josh was up till 4am playing video games while mother watched TV.... I wonder is mother even went to bed with all that commotion going on.
Josh dropped mother back off at the ATG house in the morning and came home... we heard from the girls that afternoon and they said "what did you do to mother? She has been sleeping all day. She barely gets up for food."
I knew right then and there that mother must have been up all night with the TV going, Josh yelling at his video game all night and then the heavy snoring Josh does after he drinks/games for 8 hours..... poor mother.....
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