Meowing Mother is back.

Yup, our little meower is back. Now that it's a little colder both cats are in the house. Sometimes they intiate meowing and other times it's Mother doing it. More often than not she is doing a meow solo. I suppose she might be the cat whisper though especially when I find her like this repeatedly.

Holidays

Wow, time sure has flown this week and I feel like I have so much to talk about...I suppose it's because I'm back to blogging. Mother has been interesting as usual. Holidays are rough not only because of the emotional stress it puts on us all but Mother gets stressed out too; there's too much going on and just all people and movement gets her edgy. We all try to take her out and about as much as possible but this week was busier than ever. Friday our 9 month old niece came over which was great because the grandbabies are a natural way of relaxing Mother and easing her soul. Melanie and I decided to take Mother and Lily out for dinner and to wal-mart. Dinner was great. Although for some reason I wanted Mother to sit on the inside I got her to sit down but then she wouldn't let me in. I tried to scoot her over and everything and she just moaned at me. I ended up being on a third of seat. We go to the same restaurant because she knows the waitresses and it's a comfortable atmosphere. We do go to other restaurants but it does raise her anxiety level with those so we try to limit that. Mother sits grumpily because of the seat incident but as soon as Genine comes over to greet us she lights up.

 Mother hasn't been able to read for years now nor make decisions so she doesn't pay much attention to the menus. Sometimes she will pick it up and try to figure out what to do with it. As the disease progresses instead of letting her pick what she wants you have to give her choices, then once that doesn't work you lower the amount of choices, then you just kind of pick what she wants and hopes she agrees. Even if she doesn't agree we know she will like what we get because we know what she likes. Some weeks she doesn't like things she liked weeks before but she can be easily persuaded.

Mother gets her food and because she is grumpy starts moaning again when I cut her food for her. Definitely have to make those proportions sizes smaller; we don't want our lady choking now, do we? Shoot, sometimes we catch her eating things with the butterknife or scooping butter or sour cream into her mouth. You know what? The best way to explain this is to say we have a 56 year old child. After awhile Mother finishes her food and instantly gets anxious. "Where are we going? When are we leaving. I want to go." She forgot that we ordered her dessert so once again we get to watch her face light up with joy when she sees her whipped cream covered piece of cheesecake. But, of course, as soon as she is does she is ready to go. She is the boss! So off to wal-mart we go.

I'm not sure why we decided to press our luck with Mother but we did and we paid for it. We were walking around and Mother was bitching up a storm. She was so irritated and just wanted to go. She didn't want to see anyone and well, there were a million people there. We let her push the cart for a little bit. Who knew in such a short time her cart skills dramatically declined. Not only was she going slower than ever she was not staying the group. She'd just be moving along and then stop. One time I called over to her (a mere 10 ft away) and she flipped out. She march over to me and said she was going home. I felt so bad I wasn't sure what happened and why she was so upset. I calmed her down a little bit and stayed close by her. A little bit later I was talking to Mother and she flipped out again and then it dawned on me. Through the fragments, jumbled words, and reactions I had figured it out. She was embarrassed. She didn't want people looking at her. It was really like she didn't want the people to see her like she is. It was a feeling that Mom was feeling about Mother. Once I figured that out I made sure to stay closer and keep her very distracted by the goodies we found.

Oh how I wish that was the end of our trip. Minutes later Mother has a panic stricken faced. I know exactly what is wrong...she has to go to the bathroom. Ah, public bathrooms with Mother are the worst. I mean, not like going to the bathroom at home is an easy task for her/us. I volunteer to take her to the bathroom while Melanie continues to shop and watches over Lily. Uff, taking care of one adult-sized child and infant is no easy task. I lead Mother to the bathroom and as we near a stall she pulls down her pants. We aren't even in a stall yet. I'm thinking ok, now, just make it to the toilet. Pleasssssssse, make it to the toilet. To my pleasant surprise she made it! And then, I realized that I couldn't get the door shut. She wouldn't move her legs and the way she was I couldn't close the door. Even better, right? People are coming and going and I'm in the front of Mother blocking her out and trying to coach her through some stomach pains. Yes, Mother was having some stomach issues in the bathroom. She groaned and I was like oh my, what next? If  only someone hadn't been in the handicap bathroom. I definitely could have gotten her in there. After a very stressful 10 minutes Mother is feeling better and we leave.

After shopping around for a little bit Mother had a second bout of stomach issues. Oh great, I have to go through this again? Thankfully I was able to get her into the handicap stall and take care of business. Minutes go by and I continue to coach Mother through things. A bunch of younger girls came in laughing and joking around and Mother started to laugh with them. She even tried joining in the conversation but it wasn't comprehensible to them. Needless to say after this issue we immediately checked out and left. Mother was irritated and couldn't deal with it. I just wanted to avoid further unnecessary emotional stress for Mother and us.

Keeping track of her babies

Mother is still in love with her babies, all million of them, the cats, dog, and grandbabies.

Christmas Time is here!

The holidays can be quite stressful but add a little dementia to that and the stress level is through the roof. To avoid stress we sometimes give Mother a little present when she is getting upset aka 'putting her frowny face' on. She sure does love putting on that face too. I think it's a clash between two worlds when she puts it on. She's in her dementia world and then has a glimpse of real life, like where am I? Poor thing.

What do you buy for someone with dementia? We normally buy some of her favorite things like food wise or clothing. She has some spilling issues so she tends to get stains on her clothes so we try and keep her clothes updated. I decided that it may be time to take the next step in our journey; it is time for a bib. Yup, buying a bib for my Mother. When looking for them I wanted to make sure that it was a cool one. I always want her to be styling. Who says you can't look good with dementia? So I decided to get Mother this rocking bib:

Clearly, Mother will look way better in it. Tonight she got a little upset and started to get her face on so I distracted her with Christmas presents. I let her open one of her Christmas presents I got her which was a sweatshirt in her favorite color blue and this bib. She seemed pleased with it and even gave me a smile. I wasn't sure if she really liked it until Melanie and Kendra came down. They came down at separate times but to each of them she basically told them to come over and look at gifts. "You see them? They're mine!" 

Memories

 I was looking around the house for some of Mother's things and found some pictures of her. It definitely was hard looking though them and seeing life in her, real life. 

To know or to know

I've met some great people along this journey and one of them is Kim. It all started when I made a joke about dementia and she was highly offended because of her Dad suffering from the disease. She did not know that my Mother is suffering from the disease too. FYI: it's most definitely okay for us to make jokes about the disease but when someone else makes a joke it can hurt more than one would think. For someone else to make a joke hurts because they do not actually know the physical and emotional pain that is felt because of the disease. We, in a way, deserve to make these jokes.

Kim had sent me an email about dementia behaviors and talked about one question people tend to ask, "Does he/she know you?" What a multi-dimensional question that is. Yes, my Mother knows who I am, in a way. She calls everyone Meredith sure but she in her ways knows who I am. Does she know that when I had a hard time sleeping I would lay at the side of her bed and we held hands? No, not at all. I still tell her everyday that I love her even though she doesn't always respond. Growing up I would say, "Love you to the moon" and she would say, "and back again." I still say it but I say both parts. Even if it's my own imagination I feel like something in her twinkles a little bit when I say it.

I am constantly battling with my emotions. Some days I think I am ready to take on anything this disease brings my way and then there are some days where the smallest things seems to tear me apart. Mother started calling Kendra "Mom" the one day and I seemed to be okay with it and even made a joke about it but when she called me Mom I thought that I was going to cry hysterically. Making it through that moment wasn't easy but the next week when Mother introduced me to some of her softball 'friends' as her sister I just had to smile and walk away. She can't help it. At least she knows I am family and that she loves me, right?

To know cannot be simply defined; the dictionary even has several definitions for it so when someone asks me if my Mom knows me my mind races thinking of the different meanings of knowing and believe that on the surface level she knows me but as my Mother we have lost that intimate knowing years ago.

Once again I went on a little break from blogging....seems to be a little routine I go through. It definitely ties in with coping with the disease. Some days its easy to write about it and others not so much. Sometimes I think about what I am comfortable sharing and what maybe I shouldn't. And yes, there are some days I just want to cry and write very explicit things about how much I hate this disease but I try and take deep breaths to work through it (so, maybe the deep breaths can lasts for days, weeks, months...).

It was so much easier coping in the first years because the progression was so much slower and the changes weren't so dramatic. Now, it feels as if each day brings a new saddening decreased function/ability. The speed of the disease is becoming more and more rapid or it at least feels that way. The good moments still exist in their own little ways. Yesterday I was sitting in the car and Mother kept trying to go into Kendra's car even though she was supposed to come into my car. I called for her and started to get up when she finally started walking toward me. Moments later Mother was trying to sit on top of me in the driver's seat. It was actually quite comical because I could see her thinking like ahhh, wait, this isn't right. I gently reminded her that she had to go on the other side and everything seemed to easily click for her. There are those times where it doesn't click for her and she gets agitated. They can be quite interesting. In case you were wondering what Mother has been upto here's a picture.

Another Trip to the Develin/Benson Condo....

I forgot to blog the other day about our fun times with mother when she comes to our condo! Mother is usually either excited to come to our condo or she hates it and gives the girls a hard time. Recently we had mother come over on a Saturday and stay with us. She was excited to come hang out and told us she loved it there! I knew we would have a good night!

I had some of my family coming in for the Eagles game the next day so I wanted to make sure I had any cleaning/cooking done before mother came on Saturday night so we could hang out all night. I think the last time mother came over I was running around doing laundry and cleaning and straightening up she did not like it. I think it made her uncomfortable seeing me run all over and could not help.

This time was different as soon as mother arrived we walked her in to sit on the couch. I told her I missed her and asked how she was was, which is always "I am good" or "Okay". I had my computer open and there was a picture of my nieces and nephew. My sister had triplets in June so usually mother will ask how the "babies" are. Now it gets confusing because I don't know if she is referring to my sisters kids, Erik and Nancy's kids or the dog and cat. I knew though seeing the picture sparked the question about my sisters kids. I told her they were doing well and told her different things they were doing and showed her some more photos. At one point she leaned over me and said "Goochie Goochie Goo" and pointed to rub their faces on the computer screen. Josh was in the kitchen and looked at me with a look like "Did that just happen". I looked at mother and she leaned back and told me they were cute in her way.

I then like to ask mother whats going on in her life. I usually ask how the dog is doing and the cat. She loves talking about them and telling me they are crazy and best friends. She tells me how she holds the cat and pets it. After all these 2 are also her babies.

We then were watching TV just hanging out and mother just starts mumbling and laughing... about what I have no idea so I asked her and still to this day I have no clue.... I figured whatever she is happy and having fun....

I think it was sometime around 9:30pm when mother looked at me and said "Are we going to bed" I laughed and said "Bed? Its Saturday night" hahah.... she then laughed too.... moments later she asked again. I figured okay she is tired so I went and got a shower and Josh laid her down on the couch and tucked her in.

Josh being the gamer he is went back to playing his video games and let mother lay on the couch and watch TV. She seemed content. I came out and joined her on the couch and we just continued to watch TV/Movies. I finally got tired and decided to go to bed. Josh said he was going to stay and sleep with mother on the couch I said okay and off to bed I went.

I woke up the next morning to Josh and mother up at like 7am or 8am... I was like what the hell... hahah.... way to early for me! I guess Josh was up till 4am playing video games while mother watched TV.... I wonder is mother even went to bed with all that commotion going on.

Josh dropped mother back off at the ATG house in the morning and came home... we heard from the girls that afternoon and they said "what did you do to mother? She has been sleeping all day. She barely gets up for food."

I knew right then and there that mother must have been up all night with the TV going, Josh yelling at his video game all night and then the heavy snoring Josh does after he drinks/games for 8 hours..... poor mother..... 

Pleasant surprises

I woke up and came upstairs and Kendra and Mother were on the couch watching tv but I certainly wasn't expecting this cute image:

It was so great because  he just went there by himself. Normally, we have to get him in his comfortable dreaming state before getting him to cuddle with Mother but not this time!!

Mother is always concerned with her "baby" so it's cute to see her caring for him like she was in this picture. The next day the kitty was cuddling with Melanie and Mother was jealous so we gave her some baby time.

Go Meredith!

 Growing up Melanie and I played sports all year long and even though Mom worked night shift she came to a lot of our games. She never was much of  cheerer but just seeing her there was always nice. Recently, Melanie and I started playing for a slow-pitch co-ed softball team and since Mother is with us, we bring her to our games. I was a little nervous about it but was completely shocked when I saw how much Mother loved being there. She even cheers every once in awhile. We have tie dye blue shirts and Mother wouldn't stop talking about them and saying, "where's mine?" so we got one for her and as soon as she sees that blue color she always wants to wear hers.

Sometimes, she gets a little anxious and plays the 'up down' game on the bench but it's so relaxed there that we are usually right next to her. She's even made some friends. It's not like you can look at my Mom and be like oh yeah, she has dementia but I guess through the grapevine or just through observation some of the fellow fans adopted Mother into their little group. Last game Mother was with them the whole time; I have no idea what they were talking about but hey, she was enjoying herself. You never really know what she is going to say or if it will make sense. Our pitcher came up to us and was like, "Can your Mother have a chocolate cookie?" and of course we said yes. Mother has been talking about it for days now.

Mother has gotten into the routine of going to our games because we have a double header on Mondays and one game on Wednesday, so, we get to hear, "when do we go?" When we tell her it's game day she will ask us about going for hours beforehand. It's so cute how excited she is to go to the games.

Tell me what you really think?

I'm not sure if it's a blessing or not but Mother is very blunt and will tell you something mean even if she doesn't mean it. I'm just glad most of the time we know what she is saying or trying to say and the other people around don't. I got my hair cut yesterday and of course Mother hates it. She looked at me and said, "Ew, your hair." Hey, at least she is talking to me and she noticed that something had changed. We usually try and tell Mother it's not nice to say things like that but she normally responds with "Shut up, bitch." At that point, we just laugh and so she laughs. Laughter is contagious even with dementia!

Log Rolling

Kendra is an RN so she always has great tips for us when we are not sure how to deal with Mother. Mother is losing her ability to do even routine things like lay in the bed. She will sit on the bed and clearly want to go to bed but sometimes she just won't lay down. We like to handle this issue by 'log rolling' Mother. It might sound a bit harsh or even weird but it is a great technqiue to get her in the bed. Once performed you simply tuck her in real tight, say "I love you", and keep the light on for her. It works well but she definitely will end up getting out during the night and venturing from her room to Melanie's room, Kendra's room or even my room. She doesn't usually go down to my room if she was up in her room because it's two full flights of steps so she wouldn't get to my room until 3 days later. Oh yeah, Mother does not like log rolling but she really doesn't like much these days besides food. Everyone's trying to kill her...She often will make funny noises and moans when we help her into bed and say "you're trying to kill me." Sometimes, you can get her to laugh about it and she quietly settles in. And by sometimes I mean not too often.

For all caregivers and loved ones coping with the disease or similar ones

 "When I spill something on my nice clean dress or maybe forget to tie my shoe please be patient and perhaps reminisce about the many hours I spent with you.  When I taught you how to eat with care, plus tying laces and your numbers, too.  Dressing yourself and combing your hair, those were precious hours spent with you.  So when I forget what I was about to say, just give me a minute - or maybe two.  It probably wasn't important anyway, and I would much rather listen just to you.  If I tell the story one more time, and you know the ending through and through, please remember your first nursery rhyme when I rehearsed it a hundred times with you.  When my legs are tired and its hard to stand or walk the steady pace that I would like to, please take me carefully by the hand, and guide me now as I so often did for you," - Danielle Hollister 
(Thanks Trisha for sending me this)



Blessed are they who understand
My faltering steps and palsied hand,
Blessed are they who know my ears today
Must strain to catch the words they say.
Blessed are they who seem that my eyes
Are dim and my wits are slow.
Blesses are they who look away when coffee
Spilled on the table today.
Blessed are they with a cherry smile
Who stop to chat for a little while.
Blessed are they who never say,
"You've told that story twice today."
Blessed are they who know the ways to
Bring back yesterdays.
Blessed are they who make it known
That I'm loved, respected and not alone.
Blessed are they who know I'm at a loss To find the strength to carry my cross.
Blessed are they who ease the days On my journey Home in loving ways.
~~ Author Unknown ~~

Phillies

We were watching the Phillies game and then Mother went to bed and then in extra innings she came back. It was a few innnings later and Mother had fallen asleep, so, I didn't want to wake her. I sat and watch the game and all of the sudden the never ending game had ended and the Phillies were announcing about Charlie's new feats and also the teams new feat...Mother woke up and said, "Wow" and now she is back to sleeping. That's my sport's Momma!

Big girls are beautiful

We were just joking around and Melanie started singing, "Big girls are beautiful" and my Mother went hoot, hoot, giggling like a mating owl. She hasn't had a sensor now for years but it's still funny when she reacts to certain jokes or statements. I'm not sure if this is my Mom's sense of humor or just Mother's disease...I don't have enough memory of my Mom to differentiate  the two. I just knew my Mom has this kind sensitive woman and not someone to make such jokes. Of course it's funny but I don't think that's how Mom would react especially because she gets upset when we make fun of each other. Good or bad there is still communication and love, i'll take it.

Keeping it together

Even though it's hard to deal with, it's more important to keep it together for Mother's sake. When she is upset or crying it's so difficult to not cry or dwell on the issue because even though it's about her, we are affected too. There's time and a place for me to deal with the disease but when Mother is upset it is necessary to remember she is hurting, too. She cries more, is confused more, and becomes less and less dependent each day. I never imagined picking out diapers for my Mother nor did I think that making it fun for her would make her day. Life is strange.

Days and nights get more and more difficult. Today, when Mother started crying and talking about her thoughts (hallucinations) it was really hard to stay calm myself, let alone calm her down. She kept talking about my father and her father. Neither of which led to a happy ending. My Dad and Mom have been divorced since I was 10, but, things are cordial between them. She gets upset about him sometimes; I usually just try to distract her with something else but tonight was hopeless. After that, she wanted to talk about her Father. She said he was here and telling her he wasn't just made her cry and say, "I know, I know." Needless to say these last 36 hours have been quite interesting and stressful. I know by keeping her safe and reassuring her that all is okay what really matters. She is now watching her favorite Phillies and mumbling about the Fathers...let's go Ativan.

Let me show you

Mother gets concerned about the strangest things. She made me follow her around the house while she pointed to different things.  She pointed to the kitchen floor and since I'm fluent in dementia I knew she was on her home renovation kick and wanted to get new flooring for the kitchen. After this, she brought me upstairs and pointed to our extra flooring we put in the foyer and said, "It's so big; can I have it?" Of course I told her it was hers and she told me that she was going to do the flooring. This was short-lived. She quickly turned her attention to wondering if the people were out.

The stealthy sloth

We always have to have a close eye on Mother because even though she moves a little slower than most (and by most I mean everyone) she still manages to secretly do things. I went upstairs for 5 minutes and returned to find Mother with a snack of hers.

I giggled and said, "Mother, what are you doing?" She pointed and started talking about the babies. I know how she works and she was just trying to distract me from her box of honey buns. Every time I mention her doing something intentionally she always smiles. Sometimes when she gets upset I will say are you just playing with me or being silly and she smiles. This is a sick but funny game she is playing.

Our little sleeping beauty

Mother likes to sleep a lot; she lives the life of a cat. Most of it is because of the medicine but also I secretly think that when she is sleeping she is in a state of bliss. Here's our sleeping beauty in action:

Crickets!

Mother was eating her special ice cream and all of the sudden there was a cricket on the ground and it absolutely  freaked out Mother. She was going crazy for about 20 minutes. Even the word cricket made her get scared. Her ice cream that night was mint chocolate chip and for some reason she thought that the chocolate pieces were crickets. She had already eaten half of the ice cream so we wanted to make sure she ate the rest because it had her medicine in it. After removing the cricket from the house we tried to get her to eat her ice cream and this is what happened:

Patience is the key with dementia. Try, try, and try again. Also, notice her best friend next to her? :)

The infamous frown!

It's hard to capture a picture of this intense frown that Mother gives but I attempted to show at least part of it

Yes, that is Mother 'napping' with her frown. This doesn't show the intensity of the frown but we know when that frown starts to come out when she is awake that she is about to start a little melt down. It's a good cue for us. We usually try to make sure the frown doesn't come out but guess what? dementia is unpredictable!

The smallest but most important things matter to Mother

It's important to remember that it's hard to win with dementia. One day your normal routine may not work and you have to adjust to make sure your loved one is happy or well, safe and comfortable. We try to avoid waking Mother up from naps so when Melanie went to work the last week she didn't wake Mother up before she left. Mother woke up and was extremely angry. She kept asking Kendra where Melanie was and once she told her she was at work she was livid because she didn't say goodbye. I got home and asked Mother about Melanie and what she did and she just shook her head and disgust. She in her own little demented way kept talking about how mad she was at Melanie. We told Melanie about how mad Mother was so when Melanie got home from work she had made her a handmade "I'm sorry" card. She gave it to Mother and said she was sorry. Although, you could tell that she was still mad she loved the card and gave a little smile. The saying is true that a smile can mean the world to someone and that's what Mother's smile does for us.

Projecting anger onto sloppy joes

I never knew that Mother had such anger in her and especially not Sloppy Joe anger. Depth perception is a bit off with Mother's disease and this causes her to spill a bit. I know making Sloppy Joe's wasn't the smartest idea but I thought I was being clever by giving her a fork would help out the situation. I was definitely wrong and Mother was so angry. She enjoyed the food but got must of it everywhere and was moaning about it for hours. Not real sentences but little fragments about how annoyed she was at the meal. I know I will never be making her them again. It's kind of funny to watch the difference of Mother's demeanor when I gave her food compared to when Melanie gives her food; she tends to think my food is going to poison her so I just tell her Melanie made it. She's used to her girl Melanie making her meals. You really have to stick to a good routine.

I have to go home!

Mother, Melanie, and Kendra surprised me at work on Saturday. It was so nice to see them. They had just eaten so Mother had food all over her and they even put a full 'bib' on her. It wasn't embarrassing or anything just a few spots. At first when things started to go downhill I felt a little embarrassed when I was in public with Mother because of the silly things she does but now I don't care because she's so beautiful inside and out. People don't know that she's sick and I certainly shouldn't have to worry about people and the way they react to her. So what if she waves at random people, says random things, walks really slow, etc..., people should look at everyone as a human being and treat them with kindness. Okay, I'm done with my dementia public service announcement and now will finish my story.

Mother was at the bar sitting with the ladies and she started to get her serious frown on and started complaining about how she wanted to go home, to our actual home and not die which like her use of baby because it takes some decoding to differentiate the two. She turns to us and finally tells us she has to go home and be with the babies, the dog and the cat. She was seriously distraught over the fact that she had been away from  her babies for a few hours. She often does this but this time she apparently missed them a lot. Their visit was cut short so Mother could go home to be with her babies and to have a medicated snack. The anxiety she gets even over being with her babies really takes a toll on her and it is necessary to make sure she gets her medicine.

Sometimes the best medicine for Mother is just the love of her granddaughters, Julia and Lily. Mother always wants to hold the baby. She gets a little nervous when she gets upset or fussy but with a little bit of reassurance she will try to calm her

Mother is such a gooney bird.

I was making Mother a special snack and when I went to give it to her she was sitting there will the pillow on top of her head. I have no idea how it got there but it looked like she sat down and scooted her head below it. I asked her what she was doing and she really didn't notice nor did she care that it was there so I just let her go. After a few minutes I returned to see if she was eating her snack and this was her

I tried to ask her about it again and she just kind of became a little agitated so once again I let her go because if it's not hurting her then there's no need to get her in a mood. She stayed like that until she got up to go to the bathroom. It was a good hour of so...

Oh Mother

As previously mentioned Mother loves pulling at her eyebrow hairs and other facial hair but we figured out if we tell her specifically to stop playing with her eyebrows she will immediately respond with "Shut up, bitch." Who would have ever thought that hearing my Mother say those three little words could make me smile so much. She usually giggles afterwards or gives us the finger so it just makes it even better.

The past few weeks flew by but also seem like they've brought a lot of changes. Mother continues to become more and more agitated which is sometimes tough but with a good dose of Ativan life is good for both her and us. Warning: Waking up a sedated person leads to very weird conversations and events. Normally if Mother is 'resting her eyes' on the couch we try not to bother her because it's just better that way. Whenever we do wake her she will open her eyes (barely) and yell something funny. Usually, she will say something along the shut up, bitch lines, "be quiet!", or the ever so popular "where are we going?" The other night I was trying to get her to go to her bed and was walking her up when she followed the kitten into the kitchen and started commanding the cat to do things...to get me!

I was able to write down exactly what she said, " Get her, bitch. She's a bad bitch. These people are following me. I'm dying. I'm not coming back here." I just kind of distracted her and led her up to bed where I had to coax her to lay into the bed and to stop looking out the window at those people.

Shh...don't wake the dragon!

When we were younger we used to play a game called, "Don't wake the dragon" which involved trying to steal pillows from a 'sleeping dragon' (dragon being one of us kids or now Mother). Don't be silly. We are not stealing pillows from Mother but whenever she is sleeping we are constantly saying, "shh..don't wake the dragon" because to be honest she's quite peaceful sleeping.

Last night when I got home from work I opened the door and Melanie put up her finger to her mouth so that I'd be quite. I thought it was because Mother was sleeping which she was but surprised to see this beautiful moment:

Whoopsie, I woke the dragon! 

Irene?

Mother went with us grocery shopping to prepare for Hurricane Irene and she even made us watch the news last night but this morning I was putting stuff away and I asked Mother what she thought of Hurricane Irene and she said, "Irene? Irene who?" After that she just nodded off and went back to her happy place. I went upstairs and walk by the bathroom and hear "RAWRRRRR" and look over and Mother is on the pot growling or something. As we speak she has just taken off her shirt and now is dancing around topless. That's my girl!

The comedian within.

A normal day with Mother starts in the wee hours when Mother gets up and asks what's she is supposed to do. It was around 6am when she came in and I she didn't even have a chance to finish before I said."It's not time yet, lay on the bed and go back to sleep." She promptly rolled into bed, looked out the window, and went to bed. I was a little weary of how Mother was feeling today but was pleasantly shocked with her spirits today.

We were watching tv together when she looked at me and said, "Do you want a drink?" This, of course, delighted me! An entire sentence, wow, that's my girl. She actually meant to ask me for a drink for herself but, a sentence is a sentence! I walked into the kitchen and grabbed her a drink and loosen up the cap for her so she could take it off and she turns away exclaiming, "I want to die." I waited to see what happened next because sometimes you just have to ignore it. She walked over to the kitchen, picked up two oatmeal cream pies, turned giggled and asked me if I wanted one. Every since this moment Mother has been hilarious and oh, so cute. She was dancing to my music, making fun of us, and laughing so hard she was almost crying.

I wonder what the rest of the day will bring?

Hello?

Just like any other Benson if you are going to do something you do it right! Mother really emphasizes her 'hello.' We were in the car and she looked down at the purse and just kept shouting hello into the purse or wherever. She said it a few times and then just returned to staring out the window. Its more like a bellow while saying hello. When the girls went hiking with her she was in the middle of the woods (don't worry Melanie and Kendra were near her) shouting hello at the people, who don't actually exist. Actually, her meow and her hello sound very similar. You can't do anything but laugh when she starts doing either.

Miss Universe

Another side of Mother is that sometimes when the "people" aren't out she likes waving and talking to everyone. We will be in the car and she will wave at random people and say hello. She is so nice but sometimes she does it and thinks she knows the person and gets mad when they don't greet her first. She is like the dementia ambassador of the universe; she waves at everyone and wants them to know she's still beautiful even if the disease isn't!

Jedi Mind Tricking Dementia

Everyday is a surprise with dementia but it actually seems that we can handle anything that comes our way. We have this uncanny ability to "jedi mind trick" Mother out of her crazy thoughts, sadness, or whatever the day brings. You can start to see her frown coming from a mile away. It is seriously the biggest frown I've ever seen. As soon as we see this coming we know she's ready to "go home", wants to see her Mom, or wants to talk about her dead Father. At this point you can't really do much but distract her and make her think about something else. I used to be really bad at it due to the fact that I was wearing my sensitive pants but now we've all perfected it.

As the frown comes we try many different tactics to get her thinking about something else. Sarcasm and laughter works really well with her. She still laughs at things so we take advantage of that. She loves Ellen and comedy shows. She'll laugh every once in awhile at the shows. I'm actually not sure if she really is watching the tv because the blank stare makes me wonder. Anyways, the trick is to make her laugh. Once this laugh comes she forgets about her death wishes or whatever for just a few minutes! Most often this is repeated until she really forgets or is distracted by something else. We will take her for walks to the veggie garden or look for the kitten together. She loves meowing. You can't beat dementia but you can Jedi Mind trick it!

Anne Part 2- Josh and Karen's

Well after reading the post below and talking to Mer and Mel when they came to pick up Mother, it's no surprise she did not want to come over right away. We have had this problem before but I know when she sees Josh her face just lights up with joy to see her baby boy!

We had a good experience with mother tonight. Josh and I have a hummingbird feeder and have been trying to catch seeing hummingbirds feeding out of it. It just so happens Josh saw one and noticed the feeder was low and I had just filled it 2 weeks ago. I opened the curtain and waited and don't you know we saw 2 hummingbirds about 10 times each. They are obsessed with our feeder. Mother and I kept watching the birds come back and forth it was fun. She liked seeing them float in the air.

I would like to say mother started to want snacks but I would be lying. I decided I wanted some Doritos my fav and brought out some cookies for mother cause I know she likes them. Well as I was eating she got very comfy on the couch and was not moving for anything not even a cookie. Eventually she decided she wanted some and as she went to grab a cookie she went "moooooo". Now I don't know if you have ever heard the Benson Bachelorettes do this but basically when you know you should not be eating something and you do it anyway, this is cause for a "moo". I looked at mother and said did you just "moo" at yourself? Her response a big smile and giggle.

It's nice to know mother feels okay staying with Josh and I at our place. I think some basic reasons would be 1. we have AC, 2. we feed her pepsi. 3. We always have a spread of junk food for her. and 4. there are no "people" just one "woman" out the window.... I am not sure who this woman is but she is outside our window according to mother.

All and all this was a "good" mother visit and she was not concerned with the people and it seemed she felt relaxed. We all hung out and watched NCIS, ate snacks, eventually ate dinner and watched some hummingbirds until Mel and Mer came to get her. As soon as they showed up mother knew it was time to go after repeatably asking she got up and said she was leaving waved goodbye and then teared up at that of leaving us.....lol jk..... she teared up because she wanted to leave so bad! Ha... we don't take it personal who would want to stay with weird Josh pelvic thrusting and talking about beating boxes all night..... HAHAHAHAHA 

Anne

Josh and Karen wanted to hang out with Mother today so when we got up this morning we told Mother that she was going to go over. She was not pleased at all. Melanie called me downstairs because Mother was crying because she didn't want to go. Kendra came down too and does a better job at directing Mother than I do. Once again with our nicknames, we tend to go Anne, what's wrong?  We knew if he came over she'd be all happy so we just comforted her and gave her some of her special snacks, hehe. She was worried and upset about it for about an hour until Josh came over and she smiled so big we he came in. She forgot everything and was ready to go hang out. She did ask several times when she'd be back but she seemed very happy. We got her ready and dressed up to go out and have a good time. She left happy. We will see how she does.

We keep asking her if she wants to go hiking again (She went on Wednesday with Melanie and Kendra) and she keeps rolling her eyes, saying it was so big, and that she doesn't want to do it again but giggles at the same time.

Mother's baby

Mother woke up early again,which is not a surprise considering she wakes up about 5 times during the night/morning and then will wake up during the morning and try and nap on the couch all day. Obviously, it is a mixture between the disease, the anti-psychotics and the sedatives. We often sing, "I want to be sedated" because Mother needs to be sedated a lot. Not only do we have to give her anti-psychotics in the morning but we have to triple it in the evening and sometimes that doesn't even help. Those damn "people" are everywhere. They want to kick us out of our house, they don't like Mother, and they rule Mother's world. Good thing we are fluent in dementia. We can help her through dealing with the "people."

When I slept with Mother the other night she kept waking up and talking nonsense but in between that she would  bring over the kitten. It really would have not meant too much to me but the other morning she woke up and wouldn't lay back down; I couldn't figure out why until I stepped closer and saw that she had tucked in the kitty to her bed. 

Tonight when Mother and the girls got home Mother was soon reunited with her kitty.

Fluent Dementia

Kendra and Mother came to visit me at work; they didn't actually visit for more than five minutes but I made sure to visit Mother to make sure she was okay. I went outside to see how she was and she asked me if I worked today and I told her that I was at work and she asked how long and I told her I'd be home in a few hours. I didn't put anything in quotes because she doesn't normally speak sentences nor coherent phrases but at this point the "Benson Bachelorette's" are completely fluent in dementia. We know exactly which Meredith she is talking about (it could be anyone of us) and we usually know what baby she is talking about, which includes dogs, cats, grandbabies, and any other children/infants.

Badasses wear their sunglasses at night, right?

Mother always loved Avon and Kendra surprised her with some Avon stuff a few weeks ago including her sunglasses. She loves them. She'd keep them on her head all day if we didn't do something about it. Kendra took this picture of Mother tonight when they were out grocery shopping. She was very tired tonight because she didn't get her nap in today!

Cussing out the radio.

There are definitely times when I get upset and angry with the disease and somehow I always manage to make myself laugh in the end (sometimes it takes hours or more). I was driving in my car to get some snack for Mother and I was really upset so it was a good time to just have some me time. Also, I needed to get snacks that we could better hide her pills in. I just got  up the road and Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" came on which I normally love, not today. The first thing I heard when I turned the station to this song was "Mama...." Just hearing Mama was breaking my heart. Of course, I changed the station and what comes on? John Mayer's "Daughters." At that point, it didn't matter what song it was because I was going to somehow relate it to my Mom and continue to kind of release all of my emotions. Not only was a crying in the car but I was also cussing out the radio. The radio took it well and I felt a lot better afterwards. I laugh thinking about it now; I remember myself literally calling the radio a piece of shit and blaming it for everything.

It's going to be okay.

Mother likes to talk about dying a lot so it has become a normal part of our lives. There are different ways of dealing with it not from my perspective but from trying to help Mother feel better. Yesterday morning I went to use the ladies room and left the door open because Mother was in Melanie's room across from the bathroom. As I get ready to sit I see Mother start pulling down her pants getting ready to use the "toilet" which ironically is her spare bed in Melanie's room. My cat like reflexes took over and I was up saving the bed and landed Mother down on the actual toilet! After that Mother turned to me and said, "I want to die", I looked back at her and said, "You think you're special or something?" and she smiled and with that smile she forgot she wanted to die. Two close calls avoided.

Being able to remember Mom

For awhile there I kept forgetting who my Mom was and it was making me really sad but the other day I thought of some of the moments I've had with Mom and just smiled. When I was young I would always stay up late on the couch so I could stay with Mom as long as possible. Usually, I fell  asleep on the couch and she brought me to bed. After all these years we are still doing that together, except she is the one falling asleep and I am (or my sisters are) taking her up to bed. Don't worry, we aren't slingy her over our shoulders and carrying her to her room. We wake her up and walk her to her bed and tuck her in. To be honest, she has stayed in Melanie's room a lot recently. She is more comfortable there and it helps to have a close eye on her (Her room is right next to Melanie's so either way she is always very close).

Play-by-play

 When I got home tonight Mother smiled at me again but didn't go for the hug. I sit on the couch opposite of her couch. It is definitely her couch; she likes sitting in the same spot and she usually only changes seats if Max is in hers or if she gets lost. She really doesn't get lost but she gets up and just kind of goes blank and switches seats. Sometimes she will go to the kitchen or look out the windows and then sit if a different seat. After a a little bit she usually returns to her seat. Well, anyway, back to the rest of the story. This is a play-by-play of about 15 minutes of interaction with Mother.

I said, "Hey Mom, hows it going?" and she said, "I was crying today because of all the people. Now, she is talking about something being horrible and the girls being okay. I have no idea what she is talking about. It's hard to distringuish between mumbles and half words, and actual events and imagined events.She was quiet for exactly 3 minutes and said. "I was crying today...." 2 minutes later she is now concerned about the baby (the kitten) and she meowed twice and asked Max if he knew where she was. 1 minute later she said, "I want to be dead. When am I going to be going? 3 minutes later she is asking about a pink piece of paper that she saw. 2 minutes later she  meowed twice and said, "I don't Max, where are they?"

Melanie brought the cat in for her so right now she is content watching the Phillies. She loves the Phillies. She does also continue to periodically meow at the kitten.

My babies..

My babies, hmm..., can you guess who Mother is talking about? This time it was her grandbabies Julia and Lily. Things are getting worse obviously and Mother has been having a lot more episodes, well to be honest the episodes aren't really episodes anymore; they are just Mother. The episodes are the good moments. Just a little change in perspective. I used to dread the episodes but now that I think of the episodes as a her good moments, I look forward to her episodes.

Mother was up really early this morning and being a little anxious and unsettled so I gave her some special coffee (she refuses to take her medicine anymore so we have to crush the pills up and stick them  different things like her snacks). She was drinking her coffee and looking outside to make sure the girls outside were okay so I ran upstairs to get ready for work. All of the sudden I hear Mother say, "awwwwwww, when did this happen?" and I said, "what?" and went down to check on her and she was looking and pointing to the picture Melanie hung up of Erik, Nancy, Julia, and Lily. I told her that I got them yesterday and she smiled  and just said "my babies" 

‎"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a

person with a certain set of attitudes."

Hugh Downs 

I finally got what I wanted!

 Mother has obviously been getting worse as time goes on. Some people like ignore what dementia really is...it doesn't get better. The other day I went to go get Mother from her spare bedroom so we could have brunch and as I turned the corner she was there walking towards me. I was so excited that I exclaimed, "Mother, I was just coming for you" and the most amazing thing happened; Mother opened up her arms for a hug and smiled. I thought I was going to knock her over I was so excited for this hug. Melanie had just returned from the grocery store with her hands full and wanted me to open the door for her but all I could think was back up, bitch, I'm getting a hug, haha. I did let her in and did get my hug, too. Days later I still keep thinking of that hug and her smiling face!

3 am fun!

Not sure why but when 3 am rolls around Mother sure does like coming out. Recently, she likes waking up and looking around. When this happens we tell her it's ok and to go back to bed but that is not enough, sometimes. When this time rolls around we know that nonsense is going to come out. Sometimes it's that she wants her Mom (who is still alive), or she wants to go home (to heaven) or a combination of both when she wants to go home with her Mother. Whenever she does mention her Father she likes to remind us that he is in fact dead. Of course we know he is dead because he died before I was even born. I've be accustomed to dealing with Mother's rants but sometimes when she asks for her Mother I just want to say, "I know, I want my Mother too." We are simultaneously grieving but please let me have a moment to breathe and realize that I need to continue without my Mother. So what if she's not at my wedding, so what if she doesn't meet my kids....she will live forever in who I am and what she has taught me.

Women bear the burden of Alzheimer's

Here's an interesting article that I found today which is a good follow-up to The Shiver Report. They are both interesting reads. To be honest, I wasn't surprised with the findings but it just confirmed what I had originally thought. I've know so many great women that have done great things for their loved ones with the disease or similar diseases. It's the disease that's the burden and not my Mother. I am happy to be able to provide her with a happy, safe, environment with her family.

"Women are fully two-thirds of the people with Alzheimer’s.  They are also 60 percent of the unpaid caregivers of loved ones who have it.  In every way, Alzheimer’s is a mind-blowing disease -- not just for the people who get it, but for everyone around them. "

I am so thankful for my sister, Melanie, who takes care of my Mother all the time. It is her job. Kendra and I help out as much as we can while working and going to school but Melanie really deals with a lot and does it without too much complaining. Sometimes being around dementia so much you think you're actually going crazy too! This isn't the life that we imagined living but we're making the best of it both for us and for Mother.

Mother is Mother. Each day brings something new. The other day we were talking about sambuca and my Mom said, "My father drank that; I don't remember him". It was very interesting for her to remember that he liked that drink and that she didn't remember much of him. He died when she was in her late 20s so it has been a long time for her. Is this foreshadowing my future? Possibly.

The weather is so hot right now because we are in a heat wave and Mother sure does enjoy it...NOT. I was outside with Trisha when I heard this banging and I look over to see Mother banging on the window frantically. I go inside and she was freaking out about the people and not knowing where anyone was, which, of course, is completely normal. Melanie and Kendra were upstairs so I brought Mother out in the shade and we hung out. I tried to get her to go through the sprinkler but she just kept saying "not yet" but she stayed outside for awhile keeping a diligent eye on all of her babies (the 2 cats and the dog). I had to give her a play by play every couple of minutes. I literally said, " Don't worry about him; He's going to the bathroom."

After we came inside Mother was a bit tired from her medicine so she napped on the couch. She strangely was napping with her arms wide open like she was waiting for a hug. She tried to deny her napping and would randomly say some nonsense but we just told her not to worry. She still is saying it's cold out when she means its hot out.

Here, I can do it!

Today we went and played outside and Mother sat on the porch with Max and watched us. She wasn't really fond of being outside until our neighbor came over with his 1.5 yr old son. You know Mother loves babies and kids. She waved at him from the porch and after awhile we got her to come over and hang out. She was making faces at him and she really enjoyed being outside. We were playing with tennis balls and running around, well, we all know Mother wasn't doing any running! She is slower than slowskys. Melanie and I were throwing the ball when I turned to Mom and asked her if she wanted to play. I sort of said it jokingly but yet sort of serious because it would get her more involved with playing with everyone so when she exclaimed, "Here, I can do it!" and put her hands up I was a bit surprised. She did pretty well and she loved every bit of it. We tried to get her to throw overhand but she wouldn't. She threw with her right hand but she is left-handed. We asked her if normally did that later during the night and she said she did. Who knows? I definitely need a more reliable source than her though. It's unbelievable how well she did.

Sleepover!

Mother has become a big fan of sleepovers. Normally, she has her sleepovers with Melanie in Melanie's room or i'll go lay in bed with her until she falls asleep but lately she has been very demanding and she keeps trying to get me to have sleepovers. I do have a sleepover here and there but not every night. The other night she went to go to bed and asked if I was coming up and when I said no she moaned sadly and whined at me. I finally gave in and told her I had to go downstairs to get my glasses and as I was leaving she asked where I was going and if I was coming back. Once I confirmed this, again, she said, "ok, good". How can you deny little old Fannie a sleepover?

Tender Moments

 It's weird because knowing your Mom as a child is much different than knowing your Mother when you are an adult. As an adult you share different things and experiences with your Mother. I can't thank my Mother enough for being such a great Mother but I feel like i've known two Moms because I have. The Mother before the disease and the Mother that the disease created. It's my Mom no matter what and I love her but I do think about how I wish I had those Mother-daughter moments. The roles have truly been reversed. I am now the adult and she is the "child". It would have been nice to have had the adult-adult relationship. I'm not angry, at times a little sad, but more aware of it than anything. I'm not going to be able to have those moments with my Mom like her being at my wedding or playing with my kids but that's ok because my moments with my Mom are when she randomly says she missed me or when she puts the blanket on me when we are laying in bed together at night. Things do change and last year my moments were a little different and as this disease progresses it may seem that the moments do too, but they don't. This disease can't take this. I've had some many great memories with my Mother and even the bad times are not actually bad times but memories of the time I was able to have with her.

Bed hopper

Oh Mother. She continues being are cute silly cupcake. This morning I got up early to do some school work and went upstairs at 6am and saw Mother sleeping in her bed with little Fiona. After doing some work I returned at 7am to find Mother climbing into "her" bed in Melanie's room. She just waved hi and asked me what I was doing and tucked herself into her second bed. When I was about to leave around 8am I went to run up the steps and I was suddenly startled because there Mother was standing at the top of the steps creepily watching my every move. She asked me the normal line of questions and then I tucked her back into her bed in Melanie's room and went on my way. Those wandering moments are interesting to say the least. Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to your Mother standing in front of you starring at you in the dimly lit room...(don't worry folks she's not going to run away on us or anything. We have all the proper safety measures and what not going on).

You can never win!

Sometimes, no matter what you do you can never win and this can also be applied to Mother.When we go somewhere or she goes somewhere if we tell her about it days before she will talk about it nonstop for days and gets anxious about it so sometimes we just tell her the day of because its easier that way. This may be easier in the long run but Mother gets upset about it sometimes. After work last night I went to Josh and Karen's place to pick up Mother and bring her home. When she got into the car Josh told me she was a bit angry and I could see it in her face. She tried to tell me the story but all I knew was about Melanie and Kendra and then I realized it was because no one "told her" she was going to Josh and Karen's. She told me she didn't have fun and that she was mad. When we got home Kendra tried to talk to her and she said, "I'm not talking to you". Kendra kept trying to suck up to her by giving her some ice cream but that didn't work!  Then she told Mom to hold the kitten, Fiona, and grumpy pants Mother said she didn't like her so Kendra put her in her arms and she walked around with her until she just stood there holding her...

She did the same thing this morning too. She is still kind of grumpy with Melanie and Kendra too. Wohoo, I'm her favorite for now! 

Stay in the yard!

The weather is hot and beautiful now, well sometimes, so we try and get Mother out and about as much as possible not only because it is good for her health but so we can show her that the "people" are not out and that everything is ok. We were out in the yard doing different chores and landscaping so Mother was out helping us. She was in charge of picking up the branches and putting them into a pile and also entertaining Max when he got bored and started barking. She did alright except for sometimes she would get focused on breaking the branches down with her arms and her thigh but they were too big for her and she just strained to break them. We pointed her back over to the pile where she then would place them and reminded her she didnt have to break them down. She loves helping. She came over and asked if I needed help in the garden, too. She did wonder off toward the end of the yard and started walking away so we had to gently remind her to stay close to us. She kept looking in the barn and walking away from the branch pile with the branches. After about an hour of doing about 10 minutes of work Mother was exhausted. We had to put her inside, drinking water, and cooling off. Like a good little watchful eye she is she sat in the kitchen and starred out the window at us while we finished up the yard work.

As I was scanning this pictures in Mother was harrassing me and said, "so, what are we doing?" then I said we were going to go downstairs in a little bit and she left and came back and the next time she was not pleased. I'm sitting her typing and all of the sudden she loudly says "yoooooooooooooooo, what are we doing?" haha. These pictures are from before her illness. The first one is from around 2004 when she was still working as an LPN. The 2nd one is from 1999 when Josh graduated high school. The 3rd one is from around 2000 (i'm not sure exactly ill have to research it a bit).

She came back in after we put her in cooler clothes and models them and says, "I was gonna have a cigarette" while smirking because she knows in order for her to have a cigarette I have to go down give it to her, let it, monitor her, and help her put it out, she does some of them some of the time.See there is something in the noggin' still going on.

Where is she?

06/08/11 2:49am

I got done work around 11:30pm and when I got home Mother was already asleep but I did get to see her several times. Around 11:45 Mother came down from her room wondering what we were doing, where we were going, and what she had to do so I brought her back upstairs and tucked her in. Finally, some time to relax after work, right? 12:30 Mother comes down asking the same questions but we realized that she was touching her belly so it meant her stomach was upset. After fixing the situation we (Melanie and I) sent her back off to bed and we went to bed too.

I was in a pretty deep sleep and for some reason I heard the door to the basement open and I hear Mother say "Meredith" and I literally hop up and sprint up to her. I seriously couldnt do anything but laugh when I saw her because she was at the top of the steps sans pants holding the kitten. I asked her what she wanted and she kept asking, "Where is she?" "Is she dead?" and I was really confused because who would be dead? We went upstairs together and she pointed and asked where's "Meredith, I can't find her?" (she always calls Melanie by my name). I showed her that Melanie was right in the room next to her and that she was sleeping and not dead, tucked her in and went back to bed. When I got up at 6:45am for work she popped her head up out of from her covers and I just smirked at her and said, "Missy, you're in trouble after your shananigans last night" and she just laughed and asked where I was going. ha ha.

Her best friends

Mother loves babies which includes actual babies, children of many ages, and animals. It takes a special talent to figure out which she is talking about. Mother wanted a kitten and since it was our birthdays we got a kitten for our birthday and for Mother too. She loves the kitten but last night after the kitten and her rowdy ways she kept says "that asshole" about the kitten. Today, I was outside enjoying the weather while Mom was with her Max and the baby. When I came inside I found this:

Here's Mother with her other baby Mask. This is the cat that she likes to meow at when she goes to bed.

And here she is with her one and only; they were napping together which is a daily activity that occurs multiple times a day.

A helping hand

Mother has always gone through her phases like when she was collecting change or sweeping the floor constantly. She isn't interested in doing much besides eating and looking out for the "people" so we like to get her involved as much as possible which involves little chores around the house. Sometimes they can be sort of counter productive but she enjoys it. She also gets tuckered out so quickly too or maybe she is faking it...which is totally feasible because before she used to limp (very rarely) and at first we were concerned but we realized she was just faking it for attention much like our beloved Sassy used to do. Possibly she mourning her death by pretending to have her fake limp.

This was a particularly funny incident because this time she initiated wanting to sweep. She started sweeping then all of the sudden she flung the pile at us and told us we don't do anything. She was so grumpy and kept huffing and puffing while she was sweeping. 

This day she was vacuuming her own room and started to lean on the dresser because the vacuum was apparently too heavy. For the next three days she would act like she couldn't reach for things and get up because her arm hurt. She was just sore. 

This is a video of her vacuuming my room today. She was on this spot for over 30 seconds.

In this video you can hear Mother say "Shut up, bitch"

Hockey and Karen's Cooking All In One Day!

Hello I am Karen, Josh's girlfriend, should be wife by now but what can you do. LOL! JK. Josh and I live together in the KOP area and try to make as many attempts to catch up with mother when we can. It just so happened this past time we needed to take mother for the day since the bachlorettes were all busy with their J.O.Bs or other things. The day started out early with phone calls from Melanie and Meredith. Mother was not having a good day. She was up early and getting ready to hang out with us but unfortunatley at that moment she did not want to. She thought we were "taking her away", to where I never know but sometimes you just have to roll with it. Melanie and Meredith convinced her that it was just a fun day to celebrate her birthday since it had just passed. When we showed up at the ATG house mother was sitting in her usual spot on the couch ready to go being "visited" by Zach whom she adores. We were on a tight schedule as we needed to get to Josh's recreational hockey game by 1pm in Lampeter, PA. He plays for the KillaBeez thought I would give them a shout out. Ha. So when we got to the ATG house we picked up mothers necessities. Crack aka Pepsi, Anti-nervousness pills and last but not least cigarettes and then we were off.

We arrived at Josh's hockey game and mother was excited to watch Josh play. She has gone before to the games with me so we just hung out and sat on the bleachers while the team got ready to start. Rich who is Liz Ward's husband told us that Liz and their son Ivan were playing on the playground next to the hockey courts. The Ward's have lived near the Benson's their whole lives and have also popped out hundreds of children so mother was very familiar with them. Mother was so excited so I asked her if she wanted to walk over and play with Ivan and of course she wanted to. The one thing about mother is she loves children, especially her grandchildren Julia and Lily! She lights up every time she sees them. As we were walking over to the playground area mother told me how cold it was, which it was. It was one of those supposed to be nice spring days that ended up being cold and windy. As soon as we got to the playground she walked over to say hi to Ivan and Liz. She played with Ivan on the slide and the other playground equipment for a lot of the game. There were also 2 other little boys running around and mother would also try to communicate with them but I think they were more scarred then eager to play. They were at that age where they would try to get your attention and then laugh and run away. Boys!

We decided to go back and watch some of the game. It was great Josh got his first pently of the season so mother was asking what he did and why he was in the cage. She seemed interested in the game but was excited when it was over because it was cold and windy. We left the game and decided to bring mother back to the KOP house for dinner since everyone was still out and about.


KOP is about an hour and a little bit from Lampeter so it was kinda a long drive. We got to KOP and headed up to relax and get some din din. I had started a roast before we left in preparation we would have 3-5 for dinner. Was not sure if Melanie or Meredith would be stopping by. Now one thing about me is I am no cook, I do not claim to be and I rarely do it. This was my first roast attempt in the crock pot. It seemed easy enough so I went with it. Mother took a seat on the couch and so did Josh while I was looking things up on the computer. I knew Josh would be tired since he just played hockey but mother I did not think we had exhausted her that much. According to this picture though she had definitely been worn out.

Next thing I know I see Josh tucking her in on the couch and they both decided to take a nap. It was cute.


Meredith came to pick mother up after her shift and when she got there the roast was ready to be served! I failed to mention that since I knew there was potential of having mother for the day Josh and I stocked up on cookies, muffins, pepsi and kitkats. All of mother's favorite food groups! When we got to the house Josh placed some kitkats, cookies and a pepsi in front of her. She ate all the kitkats and ate almost the entire chips a hoy cookie container. We probably should of just given her a few at a time since we would be eating but ohs well its mother and she always gets what she likes and wants!

When I went to serve dinner I made mother a plate filled with pork roast, vegteables and potatoes. I thought she would love it. She took one look at it and said "eww whats that" ha I guess since she had to go to Josh's game and come and hang out with us afterwards and ate a bunch of snacks trying my dinner was not on the list........

Our little change collector

It first kind of started out with Mother picking up coins and handing them to us but now she has really developed a passion for her change collecting. It makes her so happy when I find coins on the ground and pick them up and give them to her. She will say something about oh, these are mine or even giving them to someone. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned it but Zach helps out with us. Mother loves him and has known him for 20 years (since he moved down the street). She talks about him when he's not there and when he's there she loves it. Last week when he was sitting with Mother she kept collecting change, giving it to him, and saying that she needed to pay him for staying with her. She even said thank you to him. Those brief moments of clarity of so overwhelming and beautiful at the same time.

Yesterday when we were in the car I found some quarters and gave them to Mother and the first thing she said was that she needed to give them to Zach. Zach went away on a trip for the week and Mother was PISSED when she found out. We told her on Sunday and she was so grumpy we didn't know what to do but offer her her favorite food, ice cream. We asked her if she was mad at us or Zach and she kept going "i don't like him" and shaking her head and making mean moaning sounds. She was so mad he wasn't going to be around for the week and she said well, we have to find someone new, which we wont. Don't worry she's not mad at Zach anymore and is even continuing to collect change for him. I think maybe she is going to try and buy him when he gets back, hahaha.